I'm so fucking important, right?!
2024/01/05
I feel like this is at least the fiftieth time I've written this post.
Toward the end of the past year, I had once again essentially stopped communicating with... virtually everyone.
This statement implies that I was actively communicating before, which is debatable, but whatever.
I'm glad to be acquainted with people who, instead of just silently dropping me from their social circle, are willing to share insights on why it's hard to engage in a conversation with me. So I've received plenty of such insights, which prompted me to take a closer look at the conversation logs.
All of the complaints ended up being true. This was a total disaster. I barely responded to anyone and anything, occasionally squeezing out a one-word message or a sticker before disappearing again for many days. If anything ever grabbed my attention, it were some topics that I could quickly turn to myself and my problems, only to disappear anyway once I had expressed myself.
Expecting all the feedback, providing none.
Worst of all, I barely had an idea of the magnitude of what was happening, or rather, not happening. In my mind, I had the normal conversations, distinguished only by their unhurried pace. In reality, I was, and is, an entitled mfer. I'm never there.
After a bunch of attempts to approach the conversations more consciously, which did not end in any lasting improvement, it became clear that it was not possible to continue like this, I had to pause, find the causes and get some help.
Help with what exactly?
As you can imagine, the drugstore didn't quite have any pills to make you a nice person to talk to, at least not in the long run. There are plenty of other amusing pills for various purposes, but before you start munching on them, it's generally a good idea to have a couple of sessions with experts.
Sometimes I just hate the truth staring me in the face.
Me I Mine My Myself I'm
Decades of self-love and self-loathing.
Decades of me feeling oh so empathetic.
Decades of me throwing out even my own interests in order to hyperfocus on one thing until burnout sets in.
Decades of me trying to learn from other people's mistakes without even trying to make my own.
Decades of me dreaming about how gracefully I would handle other people's situations, while having little to no actual experience.
Decades of me faking and avoiding.
Decades of me.
With the couple of years that followed, during which I finally ran out of energy and motivation to pretend that I cared.
Keep being alone until you come to terms with it, until it feels good enough, and quite possibly, instead of the price of true friendship or love or whatever, you'll learn how to reliably insert one particular pronoun into every sentence you say or write, every idea shared with you, every thought you think, regardless of whether it has any right to be there, and then to discard anything that you don't particularly want to think about right now, as if it always was yours and yours only.
It was clearly explained to me that there would be no magic therapy that would just bring me back to socializing, at best I can attempt to deal with what seems to be a depression once again, and I think I'll go for it, but from my rather extensive prior experience, that bitch is likely to be a symptom of organic disorder, and is here to stay.
I need to get back to my friends, need to keep trying, to change approaches, to get involved, being more honest about what interests me and what doesn't, and my god I already hate it all now when it's incredibly unclear if I ever really gave a fuck in the first place.
Do I really feel that way? Am I not just tired? Am I going to write a bunch of potentially upsetting things to people in the name of all that is good, only to regret going from one extreme to the other then? Have I exposed myself enough on the internet today? Am I considering my options? Are you an option? Is there enough 'I's in this text to satisfy my needs?
It's exhausting.
Hopefully it's exhausting just enough that I won't find the strength to run too far away from the people I love.